It is unmet needs that often drive people to do things that they
know are not good for them (overeating, overspending, talking too much, being too bossy or controlling, being insecure, etc.),
yet somehow they can’t seem to stop. It is the unfulfi lled needs
that make a person appear needy and repel the very person and
opportunity that is most desired.
Let’s look at a classic example of how needs drive us to
unattractive behaviors such as being insecure or overeating.
Take Lauren, a twenty-seven-year-old, successful, professional
marketing executive who always seemed to be falling in love
with men who weren’t interested in her. Her goal was to lose
weight and get in shape so that she’d be more attractive to men
and fi nd the love of her life. To this end, she was always on a
diet. No matter what she did, she always seemed to gain the
weight back. She blamed herself for a lack of willpower. But I
knew that beneath most bizarre behaviors (and by that I mean a
behavior that you persist in doing even though you know intellectually
or rationally it isn’t good for you) there usually lurks an
unfulfi lled need. It is the unfulfi lled need that keeps the behavior
in place because needs aren’t optional. We will do anything
to try to fi ll our needs, even things we know aren’t good for
us. While just about everyone agrees that humans have a need
to be loved, most people have only a vague idea of what their
specifi c personal and emotional needs are. Do you have the
need to be cherished? Appreciated? Valued? Adored? Heard?
In control? For peace? Order? Most people are not aware of
their key needs and very few people (not even Maslow) have a
good system for fi guring out specifi cally what those needs are
or how to get them fulfi lled in healthy ways.
I worked with Lauren to fi gure out what unmet need was
driving her to overeat. She discovered that one of her top
needs was for security. She would eat whenever she felt insecure
or unsure of herself. Of course, the excess weight only
made her feel more self-conscious and insecure. Food was not
the answer, and trying to diet was only attacking the symp tom, not the source of the problem. Once Lauren realized
that she was eating to feel secure, she started working on feeling
secure in other ways. We discovered that she didn’t have
any savings—hmmm . . . was the excess fat her emergency
reserve? She started an automatic savings plan to create a sixmonth
reserve of living expenses. What else would make her
feel secure? Lauren was an extremely sensitive person, and if
someone made a rude comment or remark to her, she didn’t
know how to respond. She’d simply feel terrible and reach
for some pastries or cookies for solace. Lauren learned to use
a simple, four-step communication model if anyone made a
hurtful comment or remark to her (see Chapter 5). This made
her feel more secure because she now knew how to protect
herself from verbal slights. Immediately Lauren felt more confi
dent and she noticed that she wasn’t reaching for the pastries
as often. With her key emotional need fulfi lled, and stronger
boundaries in place, Lauren started attracting really great men
who liked her just the way she was. Once she realized she was
attractive with the extra weight and didn’t need to lose weight
to attract a good man, the weight started coming off. When we
don’t have to do something it is more likely to happen—one
of the laws of attraction. What you resist, persists. Lauren didn’t
need to lose weight so it now came off naturally. Most people,
like Lauren, work their goals in reverse. They think they need
more money to get what they want, or need to lose weight
to attract the right partner, when in fact all they need to do is
fulfi ll their needs and live their values. If you do this, you will
effortlessly attract the right people and opportunities into your
life.
Before we move on to figuring out what your personal
and emotional needs are, let’s blast through the most common
myths about needs that could be holding you back from fi nding
the love of your life or keeping the love you have.