A man once asked us, “How do you end a relationship without being hurt by the other person being
hurt? If you decide that it’s time to move on, and the other person is not ready to move on, so he or
she is distraught, how can you keep your balance in a situation like that?”
And we said to him, when you attempt to guide your behavior by paying attention to how someone
else feels about your behavior, you’re powerless. Because you cannot control their perspective, and
therefore you cannot achieve any consistent improvement in your own vibration or point of
attraction or how you feel. If you’ve decided to take the action of leaving a relationship before
you’ve done the vibrational work of focusing upon what you want and why you want it, any action
that you take can only bring you more of the same discomfort that you’ve been experiencing. And
even once the relationship is ended and you’re alone or beginning another relationship with another
person, those old lingering negative vibrations will not allow a pleasant unfolding. In other words,
it’s so much better to find your vibrational balance before you take the action of separation, or you
may experience a rather long time of discomfort.
We told our friend, let’s examine the components of the situation and bring some clarity to your
options. You’ve come to the conclusion, as a result of being unhappy in this relationship for a
while, that it would be better to end it. In other words, you believe that your chance of happiness is
greater outside of the relationship than inside it. But when you announce that to your partner, your
partner becomes even more unhappy. And now because your partner is more unhappy, you are
more unhappy. One option is to stay. To say, “Never, mind, don’t be unhappy. I’ve changed my
mind. I’ll stay”. But all that has happened is that you were both feeling unhappy, you made a
decision to leave, which made your partner even more unhappy, and now you’ve pulled back from
that decision, so your partner is not quite as unhappy as before, but still neither of you are happy. So
nothing has changed except that things got a bit more intense for a while. But basically, you’re still
unsatisfied and unhappy in this relationship.
Another option is to just leave. You could focus upon all of the things that have caused you to feel
uncomfortable in the relationship and use those things as your justification for leaving, and while
that negative focus upon negative things will give you the conviction to take the action of leaving,
you will really not feel that much better. While you may feel some relief from the intensity of your
unhappiness once you’re on the outside of the relationship, you’ll continue to feel a need to justify
your action of leaving, which will continue to hold you in an unpleasant state. So, even though
you’ve walked away from the things that were really bothering you, you’ll still feel bothered.
Really, there is nothing that you can do to prevent others from feeling bad, because they don’t feel
bad because of your behavior. There is no greater entrapment in relationship or in life than an
attempt to keep others happy by observing their emotions and then trying to compensate with your
actions. The only way you can be happy is to decide to be happy. When you take upon yourself the
responsibility of someone else’s happiness, you’re attempting the impossible and you’re setting
yourself up for a great deal of personal discord.
So now let’s consider the options of pivoting and positive aspects. Stay where you are for now,
making no big change in your action or behavior. In other words, if you’re living together, continue
to do so; if you’re spending time together, continue to do so. This option is a change in your thought
process, not your action process. The process of pivoting and the process of positive aspects are
designed to help you focus differently and to begin telling the story of your relationship or of your
life in a better feeling, more self-empowering way. For example,
“I’ve been thinking about leaving this relationship because I find that I am not happy within it. But
as I think about leaving I realize that when I go I’ll take myself with me, and if I leave because I’m
unhappy, I’ll be taking that unhappy person with me. The reason that I want to leave is because I
want to feel good. I wonder if it’s possible to feel good without leaving. I wonder if there’s anything
about our relationship that I could focus upon that does feel good. I remember meeting this person
and how that felt. I remember feeling drawn by this person and eager to move forward to see what
more we might discover together. I liked the feeling of discovery, I liked our relationship as it
began. I think that the more time we spent together, the more we realized that we were not really a
perfect match. I don’t believe that there is any failure on either of our parts in that. Not being a
perfect match doesn’t mean that either of us is wrong. It only means that there are potentially better
partners out there for each of us. There are so many things about this person that I like and that
anyone would easily appreciate: so smart and interested in so many things, laughs easily, likes to
have fun. I’m glad that we’ve come together. And I believe that our time together will prove to be
of value to both of us”.
So, our answer to this important question is, you cannot control the pain that any other feels by
modifying your behavior. You can, however, control your own pain by directing your thoughts until
your pain subsides and is replaced by improved feelings. As you give your attention to what you’re
wanting, you will always begin to feel good. As you give your attention to the lack of what you’re
wanting, you will always feel bad. And if you give your attention to the lack of what someone else
is wanting, you will feel bad also.
You’re so action oriented as physical beings that you really think that you have to fix everything
right now. Your partner did not get to this place all of a sudden, your partner did not even get there
only during your relationship. It’s been a long path, momentum has been gathering along the way.
So, don’t expect that a conversation that you’re having in this moment is going to make all of the
difference. See yourself as one who is planting a seed, a very strong, sure, powerful seed. You’ve
planted it perfectly, and you’ve nurtured it for a time with your words so that long after you’re gone
that seed will continue to blossom into that which it is to be.
There are many relationships that are not appropriate for you to continue. But we would never walk
out of a relationship feeling angry or guilty or defensive. Do the vibrational work, get to feeling
good, and then leave. And then what comes next will not be a replay of what you just left.
I am not responsible for others’ creations
You must not accept the responsibility for what others are doing in their own life experience. See
them as emerging from the lack and know that it’s going to get better for them later. And then
you’ll begin to feel better. You may even inspire them in their sleep state to an improved direction.
When you think about them, see them as happy. Don’t regurgitate in your mind the sad
conversations you’ve had, or the parting. Instead, envision them as getting on with their life, just as
you’re getting on with yours. Trust that they have the guidance within them to find their own way.
What trips most of you up so often in your wanting to help others is that you believe, “They need
me, because they can’t help themselves”. But that belief is detrimental to them, because down deep
inside they know they can do it, and they’re wanting to do it.
Begin to say things to your partner such as,
“You’re such a wonderful person. And while we haven’t connected on as many levels as I would
like, I know there’s a perfect partner waiting for you, and I’m releasing you to that opportunity.
Look for it. I don’t want to keep you caged here, captive to something that neither one of us wants. I
want to free us both to that which we both are wanting. I am not telling you goodbye forever, I’m
saying, let’s let this relationship have a new understanding between us, one that’s inspired from
passionate positive desire, not one that’s whipped into place because we’re afraid of the possible
consequences”.
And then say to the person.
“When I think of you, I will always know that while you’re sad now, you’re gonna be happy later.
I’m gonna choose to see you as happy because that’s the way I like you best. And that’s what you
like best too”.
This may sound tough or cold. But nothing else makes sense.